Lesbianism and Female Friendships

So...we all know that Straight Guys usually have a serious problem with Gay men and there is good reason for that (particularly because the majority of Gay men have fantasies about decieving or overcoming a straight man) but what about Straight Women? Now, for some aforementioned reason, women are more comfortable with the idea of homosexuality in general than men (atleast in my experience). I've had lots of female friends who really didn't seem to care about my orientation except when it came to a point where I might cross the line of friendship and go into the dangerous territory of attraction. Inevitably every woman was a potential prospect and it was really hard not to push those undefined boundaries if I was tempted for whatever reason. I realize now how I lost the trust and intimacy that being in sisterhood, or a real "girlfriend" would have provided me.

By Nature women belong to a different group than men, this group being women, and we are rather obviously identified as such. Yet when it comes to Lesbians...how do women identify and differentiate themselves among themselves? As if that should even be a question. This by definition implies perversion. Nevertheless, the gay community seems unable to admit that they are a cult. Not that they are ostracized because people do not accept them. Rather, the reality is that gay people differentiate themselves because they are, by nature, not defined as gay. The result is that we get butch females and femme men. In my experience, there aren't alot of straight people who are comfortable with either expressions.

I have come across women who are homophobic and in these cases I concealed my identity as a Lesbian. Why don't straight guys have this option with women? It just seems unfair that a man is immediately recognized as a potential mate... Mate? There's an interesting term, doesn't that word suggest an interaction that leads to pro-creating?

Pro-creation? If we're not capable of this are we Anti-Creating?

The buddha says that those who practice homosexuality are losing so much virtue that they will not be able to come back in human form and will re-incarnate as bugs.

So, if we were looking for mates aren't our bodies the first cue as to whether we are compatible. Often, I was confused about this. I was attracted to Women, yet not any of them were my sexual conterpart. I belonged to this group of women who chose to re-create their appearance in order to be identified to other women as Lesbian and of course I wanted to experience what the cult had so I changed in a way that I would be like "them". The moment I believed I was a full fledged Lesbian and wanted in to the "club", I cut all my hair. Immediately, I noticed that this seperated me from other women and now I was somehow caught in Limbo between Female and Male.

I even started shopping in the Men's department for my clothes. I did all the unspoken things that a Lesbian does to get what she wants. Taking into account that I wanted a woman who would allow me to express my desire to be like a male. I see now that I had Penis envy.

I'm sure I would have been able to maintain my straight female friendships had I not ostracized myself from their group in ord.er to have a sexual experience that they could not relate to. And it was just that. My decision to become a Lesbian was based on sexual gratification along with the need to get the Love and Support I felt I lacked as a child from my Mother. Ultimately my experience as a Lesbian proved to me that it is very difficult, if not impossible, to have the same open & trusting relationships as I now have as a Straight Woman. I experience what straight women have and it is very different, much more wholesome and soulful. Some gays may be able to mock the male, female relationship; however, it will always be mocking. Mocking is not authentic and therefore not real.

Letting go of the need to do whatever it took just to get off and fulfill my sexual fantasies has been necessary for me. Doing so has returned my feminity and allowed a more authentic expression of myself, being that I am female. I know not all women who are Lesbian become more masculine, but I did. What's up with those feminine women who want a masculine woman anyway? Why not just have the real thing? My experience is that many Gays were abused in some way which screwed up their trust and therefore attraction toward the opposite sex, they either are addicted to trying to fill the emptiness by gratifying their lust as adults, or are unable to be intimate with the opposite sex due to some dysfunction rooted in fear or selfishness.

Shockingly, I have learned how Gay Men, and Transgenders especially, are prone to tricking straight men into sexual liasons. I think this is moral impunity and I quiver at the atrocity. We have denegrated the natural essence we are by thinking we are Gay and denying our natural nature. We have formed a whole new mode of reality, acting, looking and really being un-natural. Any active Gay person can tell you that Gays can identify eachother, they call it "GayDar". Straights have a term for that kind of underlying feeling, they usually call it weirdo. I'm not saying all gays are weirdos, just that we all have a sense for underlying vibes when we are looking for them.

I feel being Gay was like joining a cult and once in, who knows what's in the kool-aid. I do not feel that I am reformed or conformed to some other way of being. I feel that I am liberated to express who I am today and to experience all the joys and blunders of being female. I am vulnerable and open to the opposite sex, instead of denying them...that feeling of trusting my heart and finally experiencing the intimacy that polarity provides the opposite sexes is finally here. I am grateful that I am surrendering to who I am instead of creating a whole identity to live out my lower desires.