Unraveling the Personality Life

So much of my journey in realizing the mistakes I made on my path toward happiness, real and meaningful happiness...has meant I needed to take certain steps in order to become able to fathom the conclusions I've alluded to here in this blog.

I've touched on what my relationships were like in the past, but never got specific.
In both of the long term Lesbian relationships I pursued...we were at the point where we considered ourselves married to one another. Being where I am today it is apparent to me how we truly were polarized in this desire. (for more on polarization, see my previous entries concerning magnetism between opposite sex partners).

I could not, for the life of me, figure out why my relationships with my lesbian partners always seemed to be lacking that certain intimacy I wished to achieve.
To be more specific, I believe in Tantra as a form of sacred sexuality.

I had wanted to achieve the state of enlightened being, wherein two partners find union with God, in my female on female relationships. Try as I may to achieve sacred relationship though homosexual lovers there was always some sort of 'miss of the mark'. I now realize that the problem was that we were like two polarized magnets who could push against eachother, but could not merge (i.e. form a lasting union of the soul).

I've since experienced the awakening of my glands through Tantric practice with a male partner and the great bliss and oneness with God is unparalleled to any other experience of my life. I hope to further this practice as I feel it is enabling my spiritual life to unfold in a supremely orderly fashion.

Hopefully someone else may benefit from my experience in coming to terms with the truth of sexuality as I have found self evident.

A Population disease among Civilizations

While I was defending my quest for homosexual rights, I read a number of pro-gay books. I believed these books accounts were accurate and found no reason to question the validity of the gay argument. I attended P-flag meetings and went to the Gay Pride Parade every year. I believed we Gays were misunderstood and needed acceptance. If only people were educated, others would see the truth and join me in my justifications of my sex acts.

Homosexuality is like a plague that affects every large population. For this reason, one can find homosexual defenses and propaganda through-out history. These arguments, in my experience, do not merit honest and realistic accounting of the nature of homosexuality, in my experience.

Today being different has become a trend and being Gay is a popular way to dissociate from main stream society. Anyone who doesn't exactly feel comfortable being their own gender now thinks they must have homosexual tendencies. Homosexual clubs encourage people to question their sexuality and give justifications for those who feel uncomfortable. There is a reason why people are uncomfortable with Homosexuality and the stigma is not simply prejudice in every case. The practice of being Gay has very much become a culture, a click, a cult. Once you have adopted the principles the Gay culture clearly puts out, there may never be a return to mainstream behavior for the converted. Therefore, there is good reason to be leary. Many homosexuals in my experience are very far removed from what, to me, feels and looks natural. It is a shame to see my brothers and sisters distort their identies into bizarre and seemingly non-human expressions.

I have no idea why I was diverted from the club of Homosexuals and had my eyes opened to a greater reality of honesty. I don't feel shame any more, because I am not perverting my gender expression. This is not to say that I was aware that I was ashamed before, after all I was in a club that professes PRIDE!

There are those who would say that I'm not gay and that is true now, but it wasn't true then. I really did not like Men romantically before I realized that true love between two members of the same sex does not exist as it can between those of opposite genders. Only after realizing that an exchange of energy could only be experience with a man, did I let down my defenses and begin to accept heterosexual love. I always thought that would never happen before because I was heavily deluded.

I now understand why Tantric practices really only work in the higher sense (beyond stimulation) for Men and Women.

I highly encourage those who are part of this group of homosexuality, or know someone who is to take an honest assessment. Certainly reviewing what I have published here may very likely make life much more gratifying for some who are willing to submit their own way for a more genuine path.

Inside the female on female relationship

Hey to everyone out there! So, I guess you're wondering what lesbian relationships are like from an insiders perspective? Well, I'm no expert, but I have had my share of lesbian relationships.

I'm not sure if I've explained how polarity works. You see attraction is really a magnetization and... magnetism requires some sort of polarity. Polarity is created by two opposites interacting and therefore forming a cohesive whole. Get the drift? A positive and negative magnet are by the laws of physics magnetically drawn together and therefore able to bond, with minimal resistance, and actually attract as two parts of an equation.

Anyone out there know what happens when two magnets of the same polarity interact? They actually are repelled by eachother and it takes considerable force to keep them together. Female sexual relationships counter the laws of physics.

So, I ask you this...if marriage is the uniting of two people, how is it that two females can truly achieve this magnetic union? The answer is, in truth, they can not bond as male and female naturally and instinctively do. Don't get me wrong...things of the same polarity can be manipulated to make themselves appear united, they cannot however become a truly integrated, complimentary whole. It requires a yin and a yang to achieve an equilibriated union and thus applies the term "opposites attract".

So, how do these long term lesbian couples do it? I believe it's friendship. Girls are meant to be friends and support eachother...after all if they can't really merge and their energies preventing them from the deep energetic union and complimentation of opposite gender relationships, women are in fact only capable of being friends with eachother, regardless if they can sexually stimulate eachother and mimic a male/female relationship which all homosexuals do. Be Honest.

Women will do what they do and want what they want and my experience has been that with lesbians we've manipulate reality in a way that does not contribute toward our evolution. Bending universal truths, to meet a personal desire does not change the universal truth. I've only bore witness to the illusion that I could have what a man and woman have with another woman has evaporated time and time again. Actually merging with someone of the same polarity has proved impossible, other than re-creating an experience of being merged as a mother, or with one. I believe other lesbians may actually be satisfied because they aren't achieving that vulnerable state which being with the opposite sex requires.

I know I've addressed "the lie" in previous posts...the pretending to be the opposite sex as a homosexual and creating the illusion of polarity that Gays invariably play out. My experience is that women don't actually have the capacity to complete eachother spiritually, psychologically, or physically (obviously). I've had great moments of ecstacy with women which I believed at the time was union, however I see it now as being no more than romantic ideation. I never imagined I would find my self facing the realizations I do today and they are not based on my relationships not working. My realizations are based on me stopping my bullshit pretending after realizing these truths as universal.

Additionally, I feel sex between women is tempting because it's so easy to get off. There is truly something about perversion that feeds stimulation. I think it's the idea of getting caught with our hands in the cookie jar. I'm not sure why it's so hard to see that this is really not a far cry from the kind of perversion pedafiles have with children.

Lesbianism and Female Friendships

So...we all know that Straight Guys usually have a serious problem with Gay men and there is good reason for that (particularly because the majority of Gay men have fantasies about decieving or overcoming a straight man) but what about Straight Women? Now, for some aforementioned reason, women are more comfortable with the idea of homosexuality in general than men (atleast in my experience). I've had lots of female friends who really didn't seem to care about my orientation except when it came to a point where I might cross the line of friendship and go into the dangerous territory of attraction. Inevitably every woman was a potential prospect and it was really hard not to push those undefined boundaries if I was tempted for whatever reason. I realize now how I lost the trust and intimacy that being in sisterhood, or a real "girlfriend" would have provided me.

By Nature women belong to a different group than men, this group being women, and we are rather obviously identified as such. Yet when it comes to Lesbians...how do women identify and differentiate themselves among themselves? As if that should even be a question. This by definition implies perversion. Nevertheless, the gay community seems unable to admit that they are a cult. Not that they are ostracized because people do not accept them. Rather, the reality is that gay people differentiate themselves because they are, by nature, not defined as gay. The result is that we get butch females and femme men. In my experience, there aren't alot of straight people who are comfortable with either expressions.

I have come across women who are homophobic and in these cases I concealed my identity as a Lesbian. Why don't straight guys have this option with women? It just seems unfair that a man is immediately recognized as a potential mate... Mate? There's an interesting term, doesn't that word suggest an interaction that leads to pro-creating?

Pro-creation? If we're not capable of this are we Anti-Creating?

The buddha says that those who practice homosexuality are losing so much virtue that they will not be able to come back in human form and will re-incarnate as bugs.

So, if we were looking for mates aren't our bodies the first cue as to whether we are compatible. Often, I was confused about this. I was attracted to Women, yet not any of them were my sexual conterpart. I belonged to this group of women who chose to re-create their appearance in order to be identified to other women as Lesbian and of course I wanted to experience what the cult had so I changed in a way that I would be like "them". The moment I believed I was a full fledged Lesbian and wanted in to the "club", I cut all my hair. Immediately, I noticed that this seperated me from other women and now I was somehow caught in Limbo between Female and Male.

I even started shopping in the Men's department for my clothes. I did all the unspoken things that a Lesbian does to get what she wants. Taking into account that I wanted a woman who would allow me to express my desire to be like a male. I see now that I had Penis envy.

I'm sure I would have been able to maintain my straight female friendships had I not ostracized myself from their group in ord.er to have a sexual experience that they could not relate to. And it was just that. My decision to become a Lesbian was based on sexual gratification along with the need to get the Love and Support I felt I lacked as a child from my Mother. Ultimately my experience as a Lesbian proved to me that it is very difficult, if not impossible, to have the same open & trusting relationships as I now have as a Straight Woman. I experience what straight women have and it is very different, much more wholesome and soulful. Some gays may be able to mock the male, female relationship; however, it will always be mocking. Mocking is not authentic and therefore not real.

Letting go of the need to do whatever it took just to get off and fulfill my sexual fantasies has been necessary for me. Doing so has returned my feminity and allowed a more authentic expression of myself, being that I am female. I know not all women who are Lesbian become more masculine, but I did. What's up with those feminine women who want a masculine woman anyway? Why not just have the real thing? My experience is that many Gays were abused in some way which screwed up their trust and therefore attraction toward the opposite sex, they either are addicted to trying to fill the emptiness by gratifying their lust as adults, or are unable to be intimate with the opposite sex due to some dysfunction rooted in fear or selfishness.

Shockingly, I have learned how Gay Men, and Transgenders especially, are prone to tricking straight men into sexual liasons. I think this is moral impunity and I quiver at the atrocity. We have denegrated the natural essence we are by thinking we are Gay and denying our natural nature. We have formed a whole new mode of reality, acting, looking and really being un-natural. Any active Gay person can tell you that Gays can identify eachother, they call it "GayDar". Straights have a term for that kind of underlying feeling, they usually call it weirdo. I'm not saying all gays are weirdos, just that we all have a sense for underlying vibes when we are looking for them.

I feel being Gay was like joining a cult and once in, who knows what's in the kool-aid. I do not feel that I am reformed or conformed to some other way of being. I feel that I am liberated to express who I am today and to experience all the joys and blunders of being female. I am vulnerable and open to the opposite sex, instead of denying them...that feeling of trusting my heart and finally experiencing the intimacy that polarity provides the opposite sexes is finally here. I am grateful that I am surrendering to who I am instead of creating a whole identity to live out my lower desires.