In the Beginning

I remember how it all began... despite not knowing what really was beginning to occur during the dawn of my personal confusions. I had always been a Tom Boy. I recall how I wished as a young child that I had been born a boy. For whatever reason, I was extremely uncomfortable with my identity as a girl; nevertheless, I was not attracted to other girls as a child. I always preferred the company of boys and made myself fit in as "one of the boys" in my neighborhood. For whatever reason it was more comfortable for me to get dirty than to have a tea party. I did not identify with other girls. I was confused by them. Why did they feel the need to look pretty all the time? Why didn't they like sports? Why did I feel more comfortable with "the boys" than with "the girls"? This was how the questioning began... little did I know... there was a whole culture that would convince me that I was in fact different and shape a whole new identity for me... that of a lesbian. It is a journey that I will attempt to describe here in hopes that it will shed some light on the reality of homosexuals.

I will admit there was one lesbian like incident when I was about 8 years old where I experimented with a girl. She was my neighbor. I didn't know what I had done. I simply thought I was playing, but I did, in fact, cross a boundary with her. This violation permanently interrupted our friendship and made her extremely uncomfortable around me. At that point I concluded that these interactions must be avoided between my "girl-friends" because I realized then that the experience was detrimental. I wish I had understood this as profound wisdom at that point; however, I found myself positioned in yet another "confusing" predicament that would mislead me as a teenager. Again, I was not consciously attracted to this friend; however, at that time, my friend was very consciously attracted to me. My natural instinct (I will explore the nature of instinct later) was that I must avoid her. I found myself coming up with lies as to why she could not sleep over. I made my Dad out to be the reason that I would not spend time with her, when in fact it was my own uncomfortableness. This friend, did not relent however. She continued to pursue me aggressively. She made me tapes of love songs that made me feel guilty for lying to her. She convinced me to come to her house and talk to her. She used a back door approach to disassemble my objections to homosexuality. She succeeded in changing my position against the condition of homosexuality and convinced me that "Love is just Love" and that "love" defied gender definitions. This was the point where my powers of discernment and discretion were breached and the philosophy of "broad acceptance" was adopted. It does not surprise me that I was so easily persuaded, after all... who was I to tell her that "love was not just love"? I was 15 years old.

Does any of this sound familiar?